The Fine Line Between Helping and Hindering: Are You Enabling or Empowering Your Child?

There is a fine line between helping and hindering, and many parents unknowingly cross it when they think they are supporting their children. In Get Out of Mama’s House: Moving from Enabling to Empowering, Dr. Arthur Ben Faust reveals this crucial distinction, explaining how well-intentioned support often turns into a cycle of enabling that prevents young adults from achieving independence. “Parents may feel they are helping, but in reality, they are handicapping their children’s ability to thrive,” he writes. Instead of fostering responsibility, too much assistance can create dependency, leaving young adults unprepared for life’s challenges.

At its core, enabling is doing for someone what they should be doing for themselves. It often starts with good intentions—parents providing financial support, making decisions for their child, or shielding them from hardships. However, Dr. Faust warns that when these actions continue into adulthood, they can strip young people of the ability to stand on their own. “Accountability is not just about owning the consequences of our choices but also about encouraging growth, maturity, and the strength needed to handle life’s challenges independently,” he states. On the other hand, empowering involves equipping young adults with the skills, confidence, and mindset needed to handle their own responsibilities. Instead of doing things for them, empowered parenting focuses on teaching and guiding.

Enabling often manifests in different ways—parents paying their adult child’s bills, allowing them to live at home without contributing financially, making excuses for their lack of initiative, or stepping in to fix their problems instead of letting them learn from their mistakes. While this may provide immediate relief, it ultimately delays their development. As Dr. Faust explains, “What begins as a loving gesture can evolve into a crippling crutch that keeps them from taking full ownership of their lives.” Empowerment, on the other hand, encourages growth. Parents who empower their children encourage problem-solving, set expectations for responsibility, and support them emotionally rather than financially.

The longer a young adult remains dependent on their parents, the harder it becomes to break free. Dr. Faust highlights that dependency can lead to low self-esteem, lack of motivation, and even resentment within the household. “Some parents may need this separation component for themselves to become independent,” he writes, emphasizing that independence is not just necessary for children but also for parents who have tied their identity to being caretakers.

One of the most striking examples of enabling in Get Out of Mama’s House is the story of a 30-year-old man whose parents took him to court to force him to move out. He had been living rent-free for years, refusing to find stable employment, and dismissed his parents’ concerns as unfair pressure. “I’m not bothering them by being here,” he claimed. His parents had offered financial help for him to find a new place, but instead, he spent the money elsewhere, using it for personal leisure rather than securing his independence. This case highlights the dangers of prolonged enabling—when parents continue to provide without setting boundaries, adult children may come to expect support indefinitely.

Dr. Faust emphasizes that shifting from enabling to empowering requires clear expectations, accountability, and guidance. Parents should encourage financial responsibility by having young adults contribute to rent, utilities, or household chores, reinforcing independence. “A home is not a hotel, and parents are not service providers,” he states. Letting go means allowing natural consequences—if a child mismanages money or neglects responsibilities, they must learn from their mistakes. “Letting go is not abandonment; it is an act of trust in the foundation you have laid,” Dr. Faust writes. Instead of solving problems for them, parents should teach life skills and build confidence, ensuring their children are prepared to manage life independently.

A major reason parents continue enabling behavior is fear—fear that their child is not ready, fear that they will struggle, or fear of losing their connection. Dr. Faust reassures parents that while the transition is difficult, it is necessary. “Fear is not from God,” he reminds readers, referencing 2 Timothy 1:7: ‘For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.’ Parents must recognize that their role is not to protect forever but to prepare their children to stand on their own. For young adults, overcoming fear of independence is equally critical. Many stay dependent not because they are incapable but because they are afraid—afraid of failure, of responsibility, of the unknown. Dr. Faust encourages them to trust in their own abilities, stating, “Independence is not about having all the answers; it is about having the confidence to find them.” He draws from biblical wisdom, referencing Genesis 12:1-3, where God tells Abraham to leave his home and step into the unknown. Just as Abraham took that leap of faith, young adults must step out with courage, trusting in their capacity to build their own future.

The difference between enabling and empowering is the difference between holding a child back and helping them move forward. Get Out of Mama’s House: Moving from Enabling to Empowering by Dr. Arthur Ben Faust provides a powerful roadmap for parents who struggle with letting go and for young adults who hesitate to step out. “True love is not found in holding on, but in giving the tools to let go,” he writes.